The Conversation You’re Avoiding Isn’t Going Away
That awkward conversation sitting at the bottom of your to-do list? Avoiding it may feel easier today, but unresolved issues have a habit of getting heavier. Dr. Louise Lambert explores why managers delay difficult conversations and how addressing concerns early, calmly and respectfully can protect relationships, strengthen trust and make work easier for everyone.
No one likes difficult conversations: not the person you need to have them with and not you, the manager, who needs to have them. Whether it is a behaviour that feels disrespectful, a pattern of missed expectations, or tension between team members, it’s awkward. And if you’re like most managers, you might avoid having those conversations to keep the peace. But you already know how that turns out. What is left unaddressed merely grows, becomes more emotionally charged, and its costs accumulate not only for you, but your team as well.
Why we delay conversations
Managers delay difficult conversations for a range of reasons. They might not want to overreact; they might worry about damaging the relationship. They are unsure whether the issue is serious enough to justify a conversation. At other times, they hope the situation will self-correct. Occasionally it does, but most of the time it doesn’t.
What usually changes is not the behaviour, but everyone else’s resigned tolerance towards it. Irritation builds. Trust erodes. Avoidance grows until there is little room for anything productive, creative or kind to grow. We become less patient, less generous in our interpretations, and more emotionally reactive. By the time the conversation finally happens, it is no longer about one incident, but the accumulation of weeks or even months of frustration and words unspoken.
Small issues grow and interpretations change
Difficult conversations often stem from what seem like small behaviours: interruptions in meetings, a dismissive tone, avoidance of responsibility, or passive resistance. On their own, these behaviours may not seem serious, but over time, they tend to grow, become the new normal and set off a chain of events that is often unseen, but just as damaging.
When behaviours go unaddressed, people develop internal stories, narratives for why things happen. “She doesn’t respect me.” “He always does this.” “Management doesn’t care.” These interpretations harden positions, increase defensiveness, and reduce goodwill. By the time the issue is raised, people are no longer reacting to the behaviour alone, but to the meaning they have attached to it.
When managers say nothing, it’s not neutral. To the person exhibiting the behaviour, silence can be read as permission or approval. To others affected by it, silence is often experienced as a lack of safety. Over time, this damages trust in others too. After all, no one is speaking up, including those who are tasked to do so. Teams notice what is being addressed and what is allowed to continue. They draw conclusions accordingly and lose faith in time.
In some cases, team members start being uncivil to survive the original incivilities being permitted or withdraw their attention and efforts given the lack of perceived action.
What difficult conversations are for
The purpose of a difficult conversation is not to win, punish, or vent. It is to interrupt a pattern and reset behavioural expectations. That requires being clear, respectful, and speaking up early or as soon as it is possible – including now, even if it’s late. Addressing an issue early allows the conversation to stay specific and behavioural, rather than personal or historical.
For example: “In yesterday’s meeting, you interrupted twice while others were speaking. I noticed the discussion stopped after that. I want us to make space for everyone’s input.” If the behavior has gone on for longer, you could try, “I’ve noticed in the past few discussions, you’ve expressed disagreement in a way that others experience as dismissive. For example, saying ‘that won’t work’ without explanation, which shut the conversation down. We value your thoughts and I’d like you to share your explanation in a way that keeps the discussion open, so we can benefit.” This approach does three things: it names the behaviour, explains its impact, and clarifies the expectation going forward, without commenting on intent or character.
When managers do this consistently, teams learn that issues will be addressed immediately, directly and respectfully. This creates clear standards for behaviour, as much as the expectation of accountability. Team members learn that how they are is as important as what they do. For bystanders, this builds psychological safety, they can see that incivilities are not tolerated and they will be protected.
Avoiding conversations increases workload
Unaddressed issues take up more mental space than addressed ones. Managers who avoid conversations often find themselves thinking about the issue repeatedly, adjusting around it, or compensating for it in other ways. They spend energy managing the situation indirectly instead of resolving it directly. Over time, this increases stress and contributes to burnout. It’s not a stretch to think that the rest of your team is affected in the same way. They too, are managing the same incivility, but with less authority and control to do anything about it. Avoidance makes work harder for everyone.
What managers often worry about (and what usually happens instead)
Managers often fear that addressing issues will damage relationships, but relationships are more likely to suffer when issues are ignored. Team member often report feeling relieved when a concern is addressed calmly and early. It reduces ambiguity and prevents resentment from building on either side. It allows work, and not bad behaviour, to be the focus of the day. Even when conversations are uncomfortable, they are often appreciated in hindsight when handled respectfully and people can grow from the feedback given in time.
This month, try this
Over the next month, pay attention to the conversations you are postponing and commit to working through them. Choose one conversation to have and keep it focused on observable behaviour and its impact, as well as what good alternatives would look like. Say it once, clearly and calmly. When you notice small shifts toward better behaviour, make sure to give credit where it is due.
A small nod and a comment in passing, like “your input today really helped move things forward” or “I appreciated how you handled that,” reinforces the change and makes it more likely to continue.
Finally, notice what happens when you stop carrying the issue alone. Do you feel lighter, more focused? Was the conversation as difficult as you anticipated, or just awkward for a short while?
A final reminder
Tough conversations rarely get easier with time, but the earlier you have them, the less weight they carry. Your goal for the month? Say the thing you have been avoiding.
Like what you read? Contact us for how you might have Dr. Louise come to your organization and share these behaviors on a larger scale.
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